Sometimes I feel so sad that it’s bone deep. I know in reality, it’s all in my head, my imagination. That’s the surface layer where I perceive myself from the eyes of the outer world. My mind works both ways. I feel things from outside looking in and vice versa, from inside looking outwards.
When I feel sad, unloved, alone, I am actually fighting the inner/outer conflict. This battle is the fighting of my mind against my soul, which results in heartbreaks. These battles are mainly of self confidence. I struggle to find the beauty in me. I feel I don’t have the feminine dazzles society has taught us to rate beauty. I feel I don’t have the youth, the body type, the ideal height and weight. I feel I don’t have the education, the knowledge and intelligence that can help me provide my kids and I to sustain even a mediocre standard of living. This lack mentality is real. Not that I don’t understand that a negative mindset can attract more negativity. I get that. But the truth is, I am constantly being reminded by the outer world that I’m not good enough. How others see me, I cannot control how it affects my mind since it has been so many years. We tend to fall so deep into these mental traps that it’s extremely difficult to escape from them.
And then there’s the reverse perspective. I have found self-love, self-actualization and self-compassion. This is the interception of the head games where my soul, with practice each day, I gain the strength to allow my soul to dominate my mind. This action creates ocean deep love in my heart. When I am in this headspace, my spirit feels powerful, confident and abundant. I feel so much gratitude and love. I feel stable, grounded, and self sufficient. Currently, I have earned 5 of 7 days in dreamland. Or shall I say, 2 of 7 days in a week I struggle with how to overcome the hardships I’m currently facing in this mean world. I want to ask for help from real people but I know no one. Nobody. Then I revert to asking God, the Universe, my Spiritual Team.
So most days, I feel harmonious and full of spirit and life. But today, I feel sadness that is not only bone deep but also ocean deep. I guess this is what being human just is.
To be continued…Ocean Deep (Part 2 – Soul Deep)
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