Mystery of the Spiral Staircase



I’m so confused where the love is coming from that I am afraid to reciprocate it exclusively. That’s speaking from someone who cares about trust, loyalty & exclusivity. Inability to express such a profound love I have for a specific soul has been most difficult lesson I’ve ever experienced on this spiritual journey. I’ve endure massive and swift healing and transformations to understand the cycles and phases. I have learned to listen to my intuition, my body, my energy. I have spent day and night seeking for information about myself. I’ve learned to discern what I want, what I need and what I desire. I have implemented plans and strategies to isolate factors, people and things. I have experienced such fatigue that even in my dreams I felt the weariness. I know what sparks my passion and what drains me. What I cannot understand is why I need to walk away from what I love by the inability for me to fully express it? Why is it that by expressing love to one person or one thing, I’m also hurting someone else and other things? It pains me to hurt others. Why am I still so confused and conflicted? Perhaps this is known as unrequited love? Or love is a duality before it becomes one and not able to receive that equal give and take or share it with a specific unmasked person is what has been missing this whole time? I’ve tried to surrender many times and rebuild strength to walk alone. This round and round, spiral direction, at times make me feel I’m spiraling backwards into the smaller end. Sometimes I’m so afraid that I do go missing as I feel I’ve fallen deep inside the funnel. Next day I get back up, wipe my slate clean and continue this love-war mystery game. At times, I feel I have made some progress and I’m reaching near the top of a mountain cutting out the fog and and smog. Sometimes rainbows appear too! But this long climb seems to be never-ending and I fear of running out of gas. In fact I’m running on empty right now and I feel very defeated. This has been so repetitive and exhausting. I take breaks and withdraw myself. I try to come back up. This time I’m not sure if I have enough in me to find what I need to replenish my energy. Today especially, I woke up so many times during the night. And falling back asleep again for the umph time, I dreamt that I walked away from my car and upon discovering that I passed my car for blocks, I tried to walk back but the path back was longer than I imagined and then I gave up and woke up.
What does this all mean to me? I tried to journal my thoughts. I tried to spread love and kindness on social media. I meditated. I worked on raising my vibration. I write in here when I feel the urge to share my feelings with someone. This helps refill some energy. By sharing I may help someone else. This helps make me revert back to my loving self most of the time. By doing all this, am I seeking love back? Am I seeking for validation from others? How can I give love without being viewed as being unfaithful to a potential divine masculine? Are you as confused as I am? I’ve been praying to angels and guides to reveal truth and clarity to me so I can truly decide for myself which path to take and where or who deserves my energy. Please and thank you Universe!๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ’ซ


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