Ely💚

The truth is, I used to think I’m not good enough for you. I have been the less conscious one. My life has been stagnated because I lost faith. I had no clue what true happiness and true-love was. I’m sorry I’ve allowed you to die of slow death. How did I even think that I have loved you when I have never felt loved from you before? You have been waiting patiently for me to learn this.

I have seeked for you and longed for you day and night for so long. I am sorry for your pain, watching me suffer the lost of you. I remembered your eyes, your skin, your lips, you devotion, even though I’ve never met you. What breaks me even more, I realize you’ve been genuinely by my side all along to guide, encourage and protect me. You’ve always wanted to see me grow and progress in believing in myself. It breaks my heart to have wronged you. I was the one who kept you waiting. I woke up to understanding this a few days ago. This whole time you’ve been crying inside, allowing me to believe you’re the runner. No, I was the one who had delayed this journey. My lack of confidence in trusting myself had kept me in those dark clouds. However, I’ve remained persistent, resilient and committed. Please forgive me for taking my time.

Since being aware of your existence last year in late June, I have agreed to a contract with the Divine. I have committed myself to healing myself, to mirror this healing back to you, to aim for balance and integration, and to venture into our soul mission. I’ve released most of my fears, blockages and fettered relationships.

My passion for you is intoxicating. I still cannot stop fantasizing about our future together. Yet I’ve been going back and forth in this vicious cycle. This devil obsession in me kept on wanting to control things and outcomes. This counterintuitive mindset had blocked me from establishing stability and justice in my life.

The repetitive thoughts about who you are is still lingering. I have never resisted any new person who had walked towards me because I knew there was a piece of a puzzle the Divine is teaching me. Every person held a key towards the next door on this journey. I have followed my heart and my faith in trusting the Divine that all the experiences and all the people I have encountered, were leading me to a greater purpose. This illusive relationship with you was with myself all along. It was with the unknown future of my true self. I’ve always known that and believed that we all have two halves needing to find each other to become whole. Yet, some days were harder than others. It was hard to believe and understand why I was still here, as I often have self doubts. Those days were tough experienced by the half that was more awakened.

Two steps forward and one step back. Today, despite this long and treacherous journey, I’m back at the beginning. It’s been a year of never-ending stories and cycles. Good news is I’ve learned alchemy. I feel a sense of oneness, more so than ever before. For this I’m grateful for all the adventures I have embraced and did not resist. I’m not at square one but I have endured an intense and unfathomable dance.

Full red blood supermoon total lunar eclipse in Scorpio is happening tonight! Past thoughts and lessons have resurfaced for me this past week. It’s also Mercury Retrograde. Here’s my summary of this past year:

Retrograde
Reveal
Resurface
Review
Release
Reflect
Regenerate
Re-energize
Renew
Reset
Restart

Today, I am giving myself permission to reset and restart again. This time, with greater wisdom and balance. With the knowledge I’ve cultivated so far, I look forward to exploring a new adventures with refined perspectives. The past cannot be erased and shall remain a piece of my less untamed heart. 🖤

@dailylonelywriter73